The expectant audience became hushed as the curtains parted to reveal Consuella Starcluster, the tambourine virtuoso with her troupe of sexually explicit dancers. The chaotic fifteen minute performance culminated in a display of synchronised manipulatory pliability that left the auditorium profoundly silent.
Next on stage was Bui, the Gaelic Nightingale who treated us to an extraordinary rendition of MEMORIES, surging over the rim of propriety with pathos, extruding emotions with her imaginative, if cavalier, embrace of discordance.
During a short intermission, whilst the stage was prepared for the final act, an unbilled juggling and fire-eating unicyclist perambulated precariously amongst the stunned audience alarming those closest to the isles.
The ultimate performance was given by a dapper illusionist, appearing as an oversize black cat, who proceeded to fire a Mauser Red 9 at his onanistically pale and sunken-eyed assistant, she deftly catching the 9mm rounds between first-finger and thumb, between fanged teeth and, on one notable occasion, between the cheeks of her boyish, silk-clad posterior. Any suspicion that the demonstration of feminine dexterity involved sleight of hand was instantly dispelled when a stray bullet ricochetting, first from an iron stanchion and subsequently off the instrument of a trombonist in the orchestra, midst execution of a particularly challenging High C, slaughtered a ticket holder in the front row. The messy and disturbingly noisy demise quite literally brought the fire-curtain down on the evening's proceedings.
There followed a short pause before any unlikely calls of "Encore" were drowned out by screams and howls as the general public, on mass, rushed the double doors of the exit.
It is rumoured that the Community Hall will be closed until a replacement can be found for the bookings administrator.
